After exhausting options, jumping from job to job, traveling from place to place and never feeling satisfied, I thought something was wrong with me. I’ve never felt “home” anywhere, until now, I find myself happiest sitting at the piano, learning new songs to play, improving, and working on my own original songs.
I wrote my first song when I was 4 years old and my grandmother died. I’ll never forget trying to understand the meaning of death. I locked myself in the room and sang my little heart out, crying out to someone I had loved and lost, and for the first time, I felt something so strong it overpowered me and I allowed myself to let go. Little did I know that my mother, also a singer/dancer, heard every word, felt my pain, and allowed me to free myself and connect with her one last time. It wouldn't be until years later Mom admitted to standing by the door, listening, and reminds me to this day how powerful and moving that moment was for her and for me.
I continued to write, but never did anything with it. I went to school and earned my Bachelor’s degree in Communications to be an anchor on TV. (That’s another story) I was told I needed to conform, to get a “real job”, fit into society etc. I didn’t want to be boxed and labeled. I felt I would have to sacrifice what I believed in, every day giving up another piece of me, my soul, my spirit, left feeling depleted.
I knew I was different. I couldn’t find happiness in monotony, not unless I was creating, singing, dancing or writing, feeling productive not in the way of making money but utilizing my talent. And now I’m making the time to focus on my art and fitness. I crave challenge, I long for something greater than the illusion in which we live in, the discovery of truth, doing what’s right, advancing our civilization and uplifting others. We must be aware, awake, and make healthy choices for ourselves to balance mind, body, spirit. Living this way, nothing is impossible. (I’ll save this for my next blog)
For those who know me, they know i’ve dedicated the past 7 years to helping my father who lost his vision serving as a Captain in the Vietnam War. He is a physicist and inventor, doctor, artist, musician and philosopher. He discovered an important equation based on Einstein’s theory and applied it to medicine. He’s worked tirelessly for years publishing, lecturing, and because his discovery is revolutionary, like every other genius in history, his story is tumultuous, filled with suffering, high’s and lows, corruption, and greed. Yet, as another man would have given up, he perseveres, and with my help we will achieve the dream of bringing to light his discovery and how it will revolutionize the future.
As a little girl I would spend hours in his clinic watching sick people being helped. I’ve witnessed pain, suffering, and I felt for these people. I’ve witnessed the kind of internal pain that makes you hard inside, tough, realistic and it has built my character. I’ve always had to learn things the hard way. And now, that inner turmoil and experience has given me heart, soul, and purpose.
-Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching Chapt. 22:
For this reason the Master embraces the Tao,
as an example for the world to follow.
Because she isn’t self centered,
people can see the light in her.
Because she does not boast of herself,
she becomes a shining example.
Because she does not glorify herself,
she becomes a person of merit.
Because she wants nothing from the world,
the world cannot overcome her.
“When the ancient Masters said,
“If you want to become whole,
then first let yourself be broken,”
they weren’t using empty words.
All who do this will be made complete.